This is not who I am. I'm becoming someone I don't even know. Many would say I have a right to do this and more for what happened to me and up until a few hours ago, I agreed. But the negativity, the hostility the obsession--it's not me.
I wasn't very nice. I was deliberately mean. It's not that she didn't deserve it. Actually, she probably got off easy, but I feel bad. I will not become that type of person. It's worse than the powerlessness, anger, disgust I felt about it and her before I started this.
I'm not doing it for her. I'm doing this for me. I need to take care of me and be the best person I can be. Some may feel that I'm letting her win, get away with something, get away easy. It's not like that. This way, I'm winning for me. If someone else gets a benefit--even her--so be it. It's about me now.
It has been so far removed from what I believe that it's hard to see how I got here. I don't like to admit I was a victim, I'd prefer survivor, but that will take time and effort on my part. If I can preach that she should be responsible for all her adult actions no matter what her past, then I should too. I take responsibility for my slip into her world. I was ugly. I am sorry that I was so ugly. I feel bad if I hurt her, but mostly I feel bad what I did to myself. I hurt myself by being ugly even though I was assaulted, terrorized...
I regret taking that road and for feeling I had a right to take that road. It's always my decision what I do no matter what another does to me. I need to realize, and I am, that it has to be about me and respecting myself and not continuing the pain.
And with that, I'm posting this and sending this to the people who should see it and with hope that as I move forth positively and genuinely that I can encourage others to take a hard, realistic look at themselves and see if they aren't still on that road I abruptly turned off of. It's hard to see. Regardless though, take care of yourself. I wish you well. I mean that sincerely.