Monday, October 11, 2010

Moving On

This is not who I am. I'm becoming someone I don't even know. Many would say I have a right to do this and more for what happened to me and up until a few hours ago, I agreed. But the negativity, the hostility the obsession--it's not me.

I wasn't very nice. I was deliberately mean. It's not that she didn't deserve it. Actually, she probably got off easy, but I feel bad. I will not become that type of person. It's worse than the powerlessness, anger, disgust I felt about it and her before I started this.

I'm not doing it for her. I'm doing this for me. I need to take care of me and be the best person I can be.  Some may feel that I'm letting her win, get away with something, get away easy. It's not like that. This way, I'm winning for me. If someone else gets a benefit--even her--so be it. It's about me now.

It has been so far removed from what I believe that it's hard to see how I got here. I don't like to admit I was a victim, I'd prefer survivor, but that will take time and effort on my part. If I can preach that she should be responsible for all her adult actions no matter what her past,  then I should too. I take responsibility for my slip into her world. I was ugly. I am sorry that I was so ugly. I feel bad if I hurt her, but mostly I feel bad what I did to myself. I hurt myself by being ugly even though I was assaulted, terrorized...

I regret taking that road and for feeling I had a right to take that road. It's always my decision what I do no matter what another does to me. I need to realize, and I am, that it has to be about me and respecting myself and not continuing the pain.

And with that, I'm posting this and sending this to the people who should see it and with hope that as I move forth positively and genuinely that I can encourage others to take a hard, realistic look at themselves and see if they aren't still on that road I abruptly turned off of. It's hard to see. Regardless though, take care of yourself. I wish you well. I mean that sincerely.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Maybe I Will Stay...

I am fascinated by others' blogs. I read the ones from the alienated parents, searching for clues, anything that would make me begin to understand my own mother--looking for reasons to forgive, but many times they validate my view that I am better off with no contact. I am finding self-indulgence, excuses, irrational views, uneducated stances (with the grammatical errors to boot), narcissism, and some just plain poor social skills out there. But I follow them and I search for more from the parents, children, and others and I continue to read them to understand and learn about the people behind them.

One of these blogs just knocks the breath out of me. I've copied and pasted the first post so many times I don't know how it doesn't have more followers. My blog is almost becoming a fan blog for it. LOL. It puts into words what's in my soul. It gives me those "Aha" moments. It's a bit brutal, but like it's title (here's another shout out!), "You Won't Always Like What I Say", it's straightforward.

I was almost ready to pack it all in with my blog, but I think I'll stay for a while longer. I'm not done yet.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Having Doubts

Maybe this blog stuff was just a big mistake. I'm an avid learner and I thought the more information I had, the better the pieces would fit and it would just complement who I am. I didn't think I'd be so thrown by such a tiny sentence.

There was so much more to the message than just that sentence, and it was good. It made me feel good. It gave me hope. It was nice. I don't want to negate that, but I can't get by the tiny sentence.

I'm the child of an alienated parent. I have guilt. I shouldn't. I did nothing wrong. I know this. It is fact for every EVERY case. But...I still have this irrational guilt that somehow I caused the pain and suffering of my mom.

So when I was told "...she needs you to love her unconditionally", it floored me.

I did! Oh my god how I did! I did until the lines got so blurred and the truth got so convoluted that it was no longer safe--mentally as well as physically. But the twisted aspect is that it's the adults responsibility to love unconditionally. How is it all of sudden on me? A child should never (never!) be concerned with an adults needs.

I'm starting to believe my first impression of the blog that initially caught my interest is spot on. Why don't people tell the whole story?  Have a read:

Monday, September 27, 2010


"You Won't Always Like What I Say"...well, I'm liking it so far, I think?  I'm new to blogspot and so is that blogger. It hit home for me. I liked it but at the same time it mad me sad. Why are so many people having children when they can't even take care of the way they should behave? 

Sunday, September 26, 2010

A Child's Story on Parental Alienation

I am a child of parental alienation. Much has been written about it, mostly from the view of the alienated parent and what they believe happens to the child/children. Well, here I am. I am fully grown and telling my story.

I was removed from my mother's house when I was 8 years old. I remember she wasn't all bad.  Or good, either. I was scared of her sometimes, but sometimes we baked cookies and went to the park. I missed her when I was taken away.

My father was a kind old soul. He didn't tell me to forget about her. He didn't tell me to hate her. He told me and showed me he loved me. But he said I couldn't go back or see her because it was unsafe for me to be there. I trusted him. He answered my questions when they came up. He made me understand grownups shouldn't leave young children alone in the house, or hit them with shoes, or pull their hair out, or threaten to leave them when they misbehave, or...

I missed her less and less until I realized that I was lucky my father had the guts to do what he did. I am a successful, happy, well-adjusted person today that has genuine relationships. My father once told me that he would rather I was mad at him for taking me away from my mother than for me to have been damaged by keeping me there.

I know that maybe she thinks she loved me, but she didn't know what love is. I know that some people have their kids taken away because of vindictive spouses, but sometimes it's the right thing to do. Why isn't more written on that?

I am interested in the stories of others, either like mine or from the alienated parent or the alienator. It helps me understand people like my mother, people like my father, and myself.